Douches 2 Electric Boogaloo

Not that anyone to whom I would need to apologize would be reading this; but I would like to offer apologies nonetheless for the infrequency with which I've written. Still living in Arlington, which provides me with constant reminders of all the douches one can possibly encounter. At one point I had six or seven different douches I wanted to write about but I will choose to write about these douches for now:

The Fitness Douche (Douchous Gymnasius)

http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/print?id=1831396&type=story

It is probably self-evident that this douche's natural habitat lies at your local gym. He is likely to be adorned in all the most recent in moisture wicking sportswear. The mating call and ironically the defense mechanism for a Fitness douche are loud grunts uttered while "lifting" causing as much attention to be on him and how much he's lifting. Other forms of attack can include lecturing you on what is unhealthy about your diet. On the subject of diets, understand that the fitness douche does not eat food in the traditional sense. All items consumed by the fitness douche come in bar, gel, or liquid form. They can easily be distracted by words like electrolytes, anti-oxidants, anything ending in -ceps or -oids. While a Fitness Douche may tell you that much of his joy is derived from being physically active, it is actually derived from depriving you of the joy you get from unhealthy lifestyle choices i.e., "You wouldn't eat that if you knew what was in it".

The Music Douche (Douchous Sonicus)

http://hipsterhunter.com/XVIII_files/seeing%20double%20hipsters%20coachella.jpg

The Music Douche is sometimes categorized as another form of Fashion Douche. The difference is that while a Fashion Douche spends exorbitant amounts of money on clothes, the Music Douche will often spend exorbitant amounts of money to look like they don't spend anything on clothes. Often coiffed with a mullet or a faux hawk, or a mop that they spend hours on to make it look like they just woke up, you will find the Music Douche in any slowly gentrifying area of your city in a seedy small venue. This particular douche takes great pleasure in knowing things you don't, even if they have to say they like obscure shitty skacore bands just because you haven't heard of them. They will deny the musical talent of any band that is heard on terrestrial radio unless they preface it with "guilty pleasure" or "I like it in an ironic way". They have no mating call of their own and like a mocking bird, will either sing you their favorite b-side deep cut of their favorite obscure band or they will forgo their voice entirely and use their favorite mating tool, the mix CD. Older or more dedicated Music Douches will even dig up ancient relics to record mixtapes.

The Wine Douche (Douchous Oenophilius)

http://www.dvdez.net/wp-content/uploads/469.jpg

This is another douche that really pushes the limits of something you might consider overly pretentious. The wine douche is often found in high class wine bars or your local proprieter of fine spirits. This douche is pretending to have a knowledge of a sommelier because they've seen Sideways too many times. They almost always ascribe to the policy of expensive equals good. They'll ask to keep the cork, even though it will tell you nothing about the wine. They might even have a collection of corks like others might collect actual trophies marking actual successes. They congregate in large groups called "tastings" or "parties" where they share various wines and the stinkiest cheeses; spending hours talking about wine as art or how to truly understand wine you need to have the dirt underneath your fingers and the vintage in your veins or something equally asinine. The wine douches mating ritual involves an elaborate display of swirling of the wine and loud slurping noises all designed to draw as much attention to themselves.

On Douches

I don't know if it's a function of where I live or where I choose to drink myself into thinking my life's better than it is; but I find that I've encountered a wide array of douches in my life. I'm not talking of some kind of odd beverage choice here, I'm speaking on the "gentlemen" clientele that seem to frequent the same watering holes I do. After having just said that, I also hope that this is not indicative of some kind of character flaw I haven't noticed about myself. Either way I'm going to choose to ignore that last part and shove on with this lil' project of mine I have chosen to dub: The Douche Bag Beastiary. I feel that in the past the term douche bag used to mean one thing: a man who is unjustifiably arrogant about one thing or another. Over time this one person category has mutated, splintered and flourished into a plethora of species that would intimidate Charles Darwin. In this and following posts (as the douches are numerous and I am lazy) I will attempt to categorize and describe these aforementioned douches.

The Fashion Douche (Douchous Textilius):

from: frattinghard.com/archive/2006_10_01_archive.html

You may have seen this particular douche on any number of your weekend excursions. His favorite habitats seem to include upscale malls or bars with one word names (Tonic, Velvet, etc.). He is usually marked by an outfit that would likely cost more than your entire wardrobe. His collar is usually popped. You may have seen him around the turn of the century sporting an upside down visor, or a backwards visor, or some odd variation of wearing a visor. This particular species will tend to mask the stench of bullshit with some designer cologne of which he has no clue how much to use. His shirt will almost assuredly be either one of two things: striped button-down so elaborate you'd think you were looking at a magic eye poster (you remember those things? Woo 1994!), or an equally elaborate t-shirt with a design that spans his entire ample torso. It is this observer's belief that the object of this is similar to a bird of paradise displaying large shows of color so as to attract females only the true aim is more of a visual rufie designed to disorient the intended female.

The Vehicular Douche (Douchous Automobilius):from: theory.isthereason.com/?m=200601

It can be argued that this douche would rather be heard than be seen although this can be argued the other way as well. I choose to believe that this douche would rather just let the whole world know he exists through any facet of his car whether it be the high whine coming out of the oversized exhaust on his 1995 Honda Civic; the mural of Apollo streaking down the side of his 1987 Ford Mustang; or the shaking of your own chest cavity caused by the bass of a system that would give Xzibit amp envy. The Vehicular Douche is not to be confused with an actual gearhead who knows about cars and has actual grease under his fingernails. No quite the contrary he has no idea how to fix his car and will go to great lengths and spend any amount of money so that he doesn't have to worry about it (like, say airlifting your car to a shop in another country). Frequent stomping grounds for this douche include commuter parking lots after hours, or speeding in front of your house. They prefer to create nests out of clippings from import car/tuner magazines in their disproportionately small homes due to their crippling car payments. Mating calls usually involve lame jokes concerning the back seat or parking the "meat bus" somewhere.

The Scholastic Douche (Douchous Educanis):

from: http://www.abovethelaw.com/2007/02/tier_3_law_students_are_hotter.php

As one might be able to guess this douche is marked by his sole interest: Where you went to school. This is not because he genuinely cares where you went or what you learned but only because it serves as a context for him to tell you where he went and what he studied. In a similar fashion, he will inquire about your intellectual interests only again as a point of reference. His speech patterns are marked not by listening but by waitin for you to finish talking that is if he'll let you get in a word edgewise. Favorite habitats tend to gravitate to large schools with a strong Public Policy department or equally small liberal arts schools with competitive English or Philosophy departments. The scholastic douche is usually ensconced in tweed although he enjoys the touch of a good wool sweater.